Passion

It's been a long time since my last post and a lot has happened since.
Life at IIMA seems half over post summer placements. Got the summer intern at Deutsche Bank.
I think the whole process helped me regain a lot of confidence in myself, the decisions I've taken in life and the person I am.
Don't mean that in an arrogant manner, but it cleared several gray areas for me.
Barely study now, preparing for classes is a joke. Good times are the order of the day.

Went to the Little Kutch desert and to Gir recently. In three days, I saw a sunset on the desert horizon, a lion and then a sunset over the ocean. A three days very well spent and a three days I won't like to forget. The company was amazing on the trips as well, has some awesome times, some serious times, some touchy feely times, tons of arbit times et al.

On the course of the trip, I developed a liking for beedi's (weird I guess). They are pretty nice and cheap. I'm just trying to do some research as to how they compare as a killing machine vis a vis cigarettes. This sort of makes it evident that the quit smoking campaign didn't go that well, but what the hell!!

Coming to what I basically wanted to talk about - Passion.
The trip(s) and a movie later, I had a question nagging me - What is my passion?
Let me define passion for a moment here, partially to clear my head maybe. Passion would be that one thing one wants to do in life. That one thing you could never say no to, that one thing that is a major reason and purpose of your life. The one thing that defines you and your life to a reasonable extent.
The problem - I can't seem to touch upon the thing I'm passionate about.
More importantly perhaps, the life I'm currently living is not one which will get me any closer to finding and pursuing it. I mean, what the hell, here I am doing an MBA, seeking a six figure salary, though thankfully in a field which interests me. This cannot be the purpose of life, I didn't go through all the crap that I have for this.
I spoke to someone close and asked her if she had any idea as to what I might be passionate about. She said - "Everything you do, you put your heart and soul in it and do with passion". Well if that is true I compliment myself and pat myself on the back for such an attitude, but I still lack that ONE passion.
I like a lot of things, don't know if I love any of them enough to make my life something revolving around them.
I spoke to my neighbour here in Dorm, a close friend too, and asked him his passion.
He said "Success". Can success bea passion. Not in my mind, but needless to say, I can be mistaken. That day, I did walk away saying "That's bullshit", and still think on the same lines.
Success is not a concern when you're passionate about something. The most failed dancers, singers, mathematicians, writers can still be passionate about those very things. Passion and success are two separate issues. Further does it even make sense to be passionate about 'success' as a 'thing'?

I'm still full of a lot of questions, trying to figure things out. Lets see where thought leads me.
Would really like you to comment with your opinion especially if you made the effort of reading through all of this.

Resolve Status

2 days. 1 fag.
Good going.

Of Diwali, Resolves, Music

Look your love has drawn red from my hands
From my hands you know you'll never be
More than twist in my sobriety..
Thus run the words of my latest find in music - A Twist in my Sobriety by Tanita Tikaram.
With an amazing voice, and an award winning video, this song by her is a winner.
Anyway, spent most of yesterday having a ball and studying at the same time. Watched two movies - Boondock Saints and Wanted. Both brilliant, the first being simply outstanding. Studied some Fin stuff so wasn't as non productive a day as I thought it might turn out to be. (today seems to be different :D ). The highlight, an hour of amazing music on YouTube with a few pegs of Rum.
That made me feel complete again.
Well come Diwali morning and ran to have breakfast. The first thought I had when I got up was 'Let's quit smoking'. Thus the resolve made, growing firmer but weaker still with every waking moment.
Been having a lot of fun lately, but I really think its time I get more serious. For everything else, 'you'll never be anything more than a twist in my sobriety'.

Free Hug Campaign

Hi.
I intend to do a free hug campaign @ Mumbai / Delhi sometime. Interested people do contact me.
09724344200

just..

bored. attempting to use time. tired. aching. enthused. later.

Beer

Though I'd said this post would be about something, let's just leave that for later.
Had some beer today after quite a few days and it feels pleasantly nice. I was more on the alone mood today, drinking by myself, talking to myself et al.
See, the thing is, I've got a lot of things in life, I've achieved a lot, but when it comes to the thing i want(ed) the most, God just never lets the dice play my way. I feel that its like an option, get everything else, or get only what you want the most. I wish I could change the choice my 'soul' made before my birth. Cos it seems it made the wrong choice back there in ignorance and now I'm not too pleased about it.
You get the feeling you'd give up so much for that one thing (person; its way too obvious by now) but no matter what you do, it isn't happening. The helpless feeling, coupled with the power in other spheres of life leaves me all confused. It leaves me wondering a cliched thought 'why me'. But then I just guess it's common to a lot of us, it happens to a lot of us, it's a part of our learning, it's a part of life; a 'good' life.
It feels like a snail in a shell, to be at a pedestal in the world but knowing inside you that you think you're down in the dumps. It's so difficult to convince yourself that you are actually worth something, and not as much of a dirt particle as you think you are.
It's too much to fight continuously along with all the other battles of an everyday life, especially the significantly hard one I'm going through right now (read First Year @ IIM A)
I'm still trying, I see my blood, it strengthens me, I see my scars, they immune me, I see the future, it inspires me, I see my heart; and then I see you.

Love,
Always,
Abhi.

Sleeplessness, Mind Power

This post is all about the sleeplessness witnessed in IIM A.
Its not for the most part about me, as I was never a sleep maniac before coming here either. I loved the days when I would sleep just four hours, using the others productively or otherwise. Thankfully, before joining I had a lot of those long working hour days and long meeting friends nights so sleep wasn't too much.
A look around and I can see the difference in the people around. Mostly so with those who are having their first hostel experiences or are non engineering, for lets admit it, hostel life; more so a engineering hostel life has late nights galore. Those fortuitous one's, or as they like to believe, who spent eight hours sleeping everyday, now call times like 2 am pretty early and sane.
It's amusing at the superficial, but on a slightly deeper level embeds my belief that the need for sleep is nothing but a self mind built need. Yes, the body does need a few hours of rest, but we grossly exaggerate this need more often than not.
Well I do admit I hate the concept of sleeping, and would much rather I could go on without. I do cherish those occasional lazy naps (especially given their infrequency of late), but I'd just rather have that as an option.
This leads me on to one of my favorite topics for deeper discussion - that most of what we believe is in our minds.
coming up - next post.